No Advice Necessary

When I write something emotionally vulnerable I try not to write when I’m in the rawness of emotion. When I write publicly I like to wait until I have worked through something to the point that I have something to offer in the way of hope or inspiration to others. I tend to keep the rawness of my feelings private, something that I talk about with my partner, or with my listening partners (see my book Tears Heal, for more about what a listening partnership is). I like to craft and edit my words and send them out into the world in a polished form, not just so the writing is as good as I can make it, but simply because I don’t want to share all my vulnerabilities with the world. It just doesn’t feel right, to use facebook to vent emotionally. And though I do get a lot of emotional rewards from all the comments, and connections, there is a clear difference to me between that and using social media to share raw, unprocessed emotions.

It doesn’t feel safe to do that for a number of reasons, especially because my posts are public and I have also have much more effective outlets for safely sharing private feelings.

It’s funny that when sharing a difficulty, I never share for help or advice, and yet I sometimes get it. I know people are kind-hearted, and just want to help, but there’s something about receiving unsolicited advice that bothers me. (even though we are all guilty of doing it, myself included! Though I do try to be aware and stop the urge when I recognise it).

Not every story about deep feelings and suffering is a cry for help. Sometimes it’s a cry to be heard and sometimes it’s a story about processing and overcoming, even if it looks like there’s still a practical problem to solve.

Perhaps if it wasn’t for what I learnt about listening through training with Hand in Hand Parenting, I might be unaware of how it feels to receive unsolicited advice. I’d probably most likely also be doling out advice to others, since that’s what I did before, and that’s what so many of us automatically do, in this world of psychopathic systems. Why?

Advice-giving, something we all have a tendency to do, is oppressive. It may not seem that way, but I think it is. When we give advice, we often do it with kindness, with love, but unbeknownst to us, we also do it with superiority. We do it without thinking, do I know better than this other human about what is good for them? We do it as a way to sidestep the person’s feelings. Am I feeling uncomfortable with this person’s emotions, or am I triggered by their problems? Do I want to stop their emotion, and fix it as quickly as possible because I am experiencing an uncomfortable emotion?

Fundamental to our psychopathic system is that our emotions remain unhealed. As children we were distracted from our feelings. Our parents attempted to fix them without fully hearing them or ignore them. So it’s no wonder that when we grow up we tend to do the same thing to others.

With unhealed emotions we are easier to manipulate and control. We fall easily into fear, and we buy more products in an attempt to feel better. Our unhealed emotions keep capitalism going.

One of the greatest forms of respect we can show another human being, is respecting the divine spark of intelligence that they were born with. Yes sometimes that intelligence get clouded by trauma and emotional difficulties. Yes sometimes that intelligence cannot be used when a person is reactive and troubled by upset. But the greatest gift you can give to a person is simply to be there, with their emotion, to help them through it by listening. Each person is the best expert on their life circumstances. Each person knows what to do, when they have the emotional support to be able to think well. They might sometimes ask for your advice but if they aren’t specifically asking for it, usually the best thing you can do is simply listen.

It’s not always easy to simply listen. Sometimes our deep uncomfortableness with someone’s raw emotions is because it triggers our own emotions. If there’s an irresistible urge to give advice, then sometimes it’s good to ask yourself, where does it come from? What is so hard about simply being there for someone without offering a solution?

If you’re interested in learning more about listening, then my upcoming course Healing Conversations is for you! Starting in February, in six weekly Zoom calls and reading materials, you’ll learn the skills of listening partnerships, and the potential of everyday conversation for healing and deep connection. Pm me for details.

If you want to learn more about listening and the healing power of tears you can read my book Tears Heal: How to listen to our children.