People are good
People are good.
When I trained as a parent educator I learnt to work based on some fundamental truths about human nature. Number 1. People are good. They want to be good people. They want to love and be loved. They want to do the right thing. It’s just that sometimes, their hurts and pain get in the way, from the way they’ve been treated. The past becomes present, and people start acting in ways that aren’t kind, that aren’t nice, that aren’t helpful.
As a parent, and parent educator, I employed these principles to see that when children ‘misbehave,’ it’s not because they deliberately want to be ‘naughty’ or because they are ‘bad.’ It’s just that they aren’t feeling good, and their developing brain isn’t thinking clearly about what they are doing, and that ‘off-track’ behaviour is like a form of communication, as if it’s saying, ‘’hey, I’m not feeling too good over here, and I could do with your help.’’
There is a literal truth in children doing something for attention. They need that attention. The need that attention, listening and connection to get their thinking back on track, to release any upset, (laughing or crying is a form of emotional release), so that they can get back to being their natural, good loving selves.
The same is true for us adults, that when we aren’t feeling good, it’s hard for us to think clearly, it’s hard for us to control our behaviour. We need this love and attention too, the space to be listened to.
Once upon a time, I didn’t really grasp that point about human nature being good. I can remember when I was in my teens and having this feeling that all the people around me didn’t care about others, and were caught up in their own lives and dramas. Looking back, I can see now that it was me, caught up in my own life and drama and pain, from the past, and the present, that prevented me from seeing the goodness in people.
After years of practising the art of listening time, and getting my feelings heard, on a weekly, and often even daily basis, I’m free of so much of my past pain. I can see more clearly beyond my own hurts. I deeply believe and know that people are good.
This morning I was deleting comments from a troll that keeps showing up on my Substack account, and I finally figured out a way to block them. Then I was thinking about another blog post I’d read that implied anti-vaxxers, are selfish. Both these negative responses, made me want to say, ‘’hey, but you don’t know me, you don’t know us. You don’t see where we’re coming from.’’
I’ve seen those on the non-mainstream side being accused of all kinds of things. I’ve been accused of them myself. And I can’t help thinking that if you can’t see me, see us, see our real motivations, then maybe there is some old pain that is preventing you from noticing the goodness in people. Just because someone has a different perspective to you doesn’t necessarily mean they are all the things that you accuse them of.
There are some people out there, who are so deeply traumatised that the goodness is visible, if at all. Psychopathy has been linked to extreme forms of childhood trauma.
When people criticise the outgroup for being selfish, or for speaking out to gain likes, money and success, I can’t help but wonder, why they would rather criticise us, the little people, rather than those who pull the strings, who defined the outgroup, who are making the real money? Why do you seem to have such a low opinion of people because of their choices, but yet fully trust your government?
I don’t believe that goodness is defined by your opinion on the COVID narrative, your vaccination status, or which political party you follow. To me goodness, is something that shines through, to the extent that you have been allowed to flourish, to the extent that you have been able to heal from hurt. Perhaps this is what enables people to see it also.
After my training in parent education I have lived the last ten years, believing more and more in people’s goodness, and seeing people’s goodness. And in more recent years I have learnt about the deep trauma and horrific actions of those in the higher echelons of society. It always feels jarring when I read criticism levied at ‘us,’ by people so unaware of what ‘they’ are up to. But this is the intelligence of the psychopath, to set us warring amongst ourselves while their behaviour remains unquestioned.
Dear Troll, I will not spend any more time, justifying myself to you, or defending myself. But I do pray, that one day, you will direct your attention towards the real enemy, instead trying to mould and shape us into your object of blame.
…………
Read more about how children and adults heal from hurt in my parenting book Tears Heal: How to listen to our children.