The Myth Of 'I Want'

I read a post earlier today by a youngish adult who was celebrating the fact that they had no children, that they could do whatever they wanted. ‘So true,’ I thought to myself, ‘enjoy’ I thought to myself, because when we become parents, it is a massive surrender of the choice to do whatever we want, whenever we want. And that is hard.

And yet, the other thoughts that came to me were. ‘Yes, but, the thing is, the joy we get from our children, makes it all worth it.’ I can’t speak for others, but I was a little lost before I was a parent. I was searching for meaning, and just couldn’t seem to find it. When I became a mother that was my meaning. All things followed from that and I also found life outside motherhood became more meaningful, so it wasn’t like all my meaning came from my child, but it was a beginning for me, of recovering meaning again.

At that time, cultural myths that I believed started to shatter. Brought up to be a feminist, I’d never heard the message that children bring meaning to our lives. When my grandmother had asked me as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up I said, ‘’I want to be a mummy like my mummy and have babies.’’ As the headteacher of a primary school, that wasn’t what she was expecting to hear!

Anyway, parenthood to me, is a classic example of how doing what we want is not always the key to happiness, fulfilment and wellbeing. If it was, then why would so many people have more and more children? Surrendering every inch of their lives away to other human beings?

For some people their destiny may be to be happily childfree and focus on their own needs and wants. And perhaps therein lies the distinction.

Our culture tells us to ‘’follow your dreams,’’ and ‘’live your best life.’’ I’ve been guilty of promoting this message too in my work. And now I feel called to redress the balance. I have come to see that doing what we ‘want’ might actually lead to destruction.

Our desires can be literally infinite. We might look at a pretty dress in a shop window, an attractive human being, an exotic holiday destination. We might envy those with millions in the bank, because they have the money to do whatever they want, whenever they want. We might have an understanding that certain desires are more shallow than others, and that new clothes won’t make us happy. However we may still feel strong desires for that new course that’s going to help us heal our wounds, or be the key to opening up new work opportunities.

Becoming a Christian is about leaving behind this cultural myth that the best course of our life is to do what we want. I don’t mean to suggest that now we must be constantly self-sacrificing, burning ourselves out with boring dreary lives in servitude to others. This is the ‘religious spirit,’ and is just as destructive as following every whim and desire we have.

What it is about instead is beginning a supernatural relationship, of being in communication with God, about every aspect of our lives, and asking God what he wants. This omnipotent, omnipresent being sees literally everything, past, present and future. He knows what choice and outcome will be best for us. He won’t fulfil our every desire, but he does know what we need to live a joyful life. I still find this tricky to remember to do. But life really does go better when we humble ourselves as little children, and ask instead, what does God want?

I won’t be making a vision board to start off this new year, to invite in a whole bunch of desires that may not be right for my life. Instead I’ll be honing my ability to sit down, and take the time to ask, God, what do you think?