Why I Became A Hands-on Sex Coach

When I was in my early twenties I began to sense that there was something more to sex, but what that ‘more’ was I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I had a high libido and enjoyed sex, but it wasn’t just about the pleasure. it was something about the feeling of two people becoming one that felt transcendent. It puzzled and intrigued me, as if during this act I was trying to reach a place that I never got to.

A few years after that I had a powerful sexual experience that baptised me into understanding a little more about what I was sensing. I was having sex with a partner, who I was intensely physically attracted to, although it was just a casual relationship. When I had an intense orgasm I experienced a strange sensation, as if the pleasure didn’t come from my own body, but came ‘whooshing’ through the air.

Afterwards I felt giddy and stoned for the rest of the day. I referred to it as the ‘orgasm from the god.’ It was the only way I could describe this ‘gift’ of powerful pleasure that seemed to have been put inside my own body from outside of it.
After this I began to read books on Tantra, Sex Magic and Taoist Sacred sexuality, trying to find out how I could experience something similar again. I tried various breathing, and pelvic floor exercises without much success. It felt hard to learn from books and put what I read into practise.

Then in my mid twenties, I was diagnosed with abnormal cells on my cervix, after a routine smear test. I was told by my doctor that I need a medical procedure called LEEP (known as LLETZ in the UK) to remove them. I was told that the procedure was simple and minor, with no side effects.

Afterwards I was devastated to find that I lost my libido, and experienced pain during sex. There was no chance of having spiritual, transcendent orgasms. My muscles felt weak and sore, and I couldn’t feel anything.

I looked back at my books on sex, and wondered if these teachings could help my healing. Over the years I attended various workshops and classes to help my recovery. I also realised that there were thousands of other women and people with cervixes who had the same devastating side effects as me. I started a Facebook support group and kept hoping that something would come my way to help my body experience more pleasure, and less pain.

I found an online course called Self:Cervix, which was specifically designed to help heal scar tissue on cervixes and awaken to the power of cervical orgasms. Shortly after that I found Sexological Bodywork; a sex education program that some of the Self:Cervix teachings were based on.

Sexological Bodywork is a hands-on sex coaching that was recently featured in Gwyneth Paltrow’s Netflix series, Sex love and Goop. It was founded by Joseph Kramer, who noticed how when receiving a conventional massage, the genitals would be completely left out. Kramer developed massage techniques during the AIDS crises in the 80’s so that gay men could safely experience pleasure. He then went on to develop a formal training that incorporates not just massage techniques, but teachings on consent, communicating with partners, and healing scar tissue after medical procedures.

Sexological Bodywork is more than simply an erotic massage, but a hands-on sex education. Instead of learning about sex through books and talking, practitioners guide their clients to discover their bodies through touch exercises that heighten sensory awareness of their bodies. Clients can fine-tune their abilities to notice the kind of touch they like and don’t like, and also develop the verbal skills to communicate their needs with a partner.

This work is so needed in a world that appears to promote sexual liberation, but still leaves people fumbling in the dark with a lack of understanding of their own bodies, and their potential for pleasure. Many people assume sex should be like it is in the movies or in Porn. We get stuck in fantasies in our head, while checking out from the signals our bodies are sending us about they feel.

With Sexological Bodywork we can get back into the body and expand our capacity for pleasure. This is the ‘more’ I was looking for all those years ago.

When I first started my training, a friend was also starting to study sex coaching, but with a different, hands-off approach. I had a sudden moment of doubt and panic. Was I taking the right course? Was being hands-on, actually touching people’s bodies intimately, really the right course for me?

 However I knew that, even if it felt way out of my comfort zone, Sexological Bodywork was what I needed. I wanted to help the other women and people with vulvas like myself who have suffered from medical interventions. Medical procedures like, caesarean, abortion, hysterectomy, and LEEP often lead to a build up of scar tissue, which can reduce blood flow and lead to numbness.

Because these side effects aren’t widely recognised in our society, many people don’t join the dots and realise that their lack of sexual interest or pleasure is caused by surgery.

No amount of talking and coaching is enough in these circumstances. The best way to heal the problem is by using hands-on scar tissue remediation techniques to break up the scar tissue, and promote nerve regrowth. These can be taught in person with a practitioner or online with guidance using your own hands.

In order to do this work I had to let go of my fears, and the idea that there was something weird or shameful about touching other people’s bodies outside of my own marriage. I also had to open up to a completely different way of being with people and their sexuality.

In most of our sexual interactions with people we are in a state of ‘partner engagement.’ We are there with another person, getting naked, and exchanging touch. We give and receive pleasure. The work of a Sexological Bodyworker is very different. We work under a strict code of ethics. Touch is one way, and we remain clothed. Gloves are always used for genital touch.

When it was time to start working with volunteers I felt apprehensive.

During the training I was surrounded by all kinds of inspiring sex-positive people, and often had feelings of inadequacy. By contrast I’d been sexually shut down for the best part of a decade, and I felt almost like a born again virgin. What spurred me on was knowing deep down that this was the path for me.
The women I supported in my Facebook group were always grateful for my words, and help, because their doctors didn’t understand what they were going through. I had a niche to work with, and if I didn’t have the courage to go through this, then there was nobody else that would step in and do it.

When I first started working with genital touch with my volunteers I was surprised to find how completely natural it felt. It made me realise that when we shed the shame, guilt and taboo that we all carry about sex, there is something else. Sex is normal. It’s natural. It’s not weird or dirty, and helping someone with their sex life and pleasure, is also completely normal too.

I can highly recommend Sexological Bodywork to anyone who like me has sensed that there is something more, to sex. It can feel scary to dive in, but that is where the benefit lies of breaking the taboo, and liberating ourselves. I truly believe that many of the problems we face and the struggles with our lives, could be solved by having more meaningful, and consensual sexual experiences, whether with a partner or alone with our selves.

In Sex, Love and Goop, the couples sought Sex coaching to deal with sex difficulties, but when we understand the infinite capacity of our own bodies, to experience pleasure we can let go of grasping and craving a partner, or settling for someone who isn’t 100% right for us. We can learn to enjoy the relationship with our own body too.

As Sex educator Bonnie Bliss says, ‘the best sex, I’ve had is with myself.’ Though I love sharing what I’ve learnt with my partner, my self-practises are an important part of my day too.

One thing that I can’t do with this work is faking it.

In order to work as a Sexological Bodyworker, I need to walk my talk. I can’t teach others how to feel good in their bodies, if there’s a lack of pleasure in my own life. Perhaps this is one of the best part of being a sex coach, is that I need to spend a lot of time exploring what brings me pleasure too!

If you’d be interested in learning more about Sexological Bodywork then check out Sex, Love and Goop on Netflix. If you would be interested in learning more about how online 1-1 Sexological Bodywork sessions can help you, you can book a free 30 minute chat with me to find out more. Follow the link here to book.